Flashback

'Man, this is just never ending..' Donna said. She looked in the closet, and saw the task ahead of her and Jordan. 'There's clothes and boxes everywhere. We will never get this done.'
Jordan laughed at her, 'Why do you think I asked you to come and help me? There was no way I could do this on my own.'
Donna laughed, 'Alright well, let's just get started. Here's a box. Sit on the bed and figure out exactly what you want to keep and what you want to give away or throw out.'
Donna handed Jordan a box that was marked, 'H.S.' 'I think this is all of my high school stuff,' Jordan said, as she sat on the bed with it. She opened it and saw her Sophomore Yearbook. She looked at all the names signed inside. All of the lost friendships. She decided not to go through the pictures, in fear of embarrassing herself in front of Donna. They had been friends in college, Donna did not need to see Jordan's embarrassing early 90's haircut. When she went to the back, she saw it. His name.


A foot of snow.
Bus stop.
Her name being called.
Him running towards her.
Laughter. His laughter.
The smile on his face.
The running she did.
He slammed into her and put snow in her hair.
She laughed at his silliness.
The way he didn't care what others thought about what he was doing.
The love she had for him.
Him getting off of her.
Apologizing.
Embarrassed in front of her friends.
Him turning around and walk away.
The way his glasses were fogged up when he turned back to say, 'See you later.'
The coolness of the air in her lungs.
The wetness of her hair.
The smile she had when she walked into school.

She remembered every detail of that day 10 years ago...it was a nothing day.
Nothing monumental happened that day compared to what they had gone through in their friendship. But she remembered it. Every moment. Every touch. Every feeling. It was something she wanted to hold onto. Something she hadn't remembered in years. But when she saw Rob's signature on her yearbook...she remembered how high school was so easy for them. And that the years after were the worst. She always wanted to remember him in that way. Not with IV's or baldness. But of him laughing towards her. She wanted to keep that memory close forever. She sat there for a moment, and reveled in it. Aware that one day she will forget again. But for now, Jordan held on.
'What's wrong? Why are you crying,' Donna asked.
Jordan smiled, 'I'm fine, I just had this really great flashback.'

love

it's dong and ding.
love.
heartbreaking.
terrifying.
unifying.
passionate.
creative.
love is.
and always will be.

but what happens when it's disappears.
you have it in a moment and then it's gone.
do you never go back?
do you always wonder 'what if'
what if
what if
.....what if

and when you move on.
are you willing to share yourself again.
will you always be terrified.
will you always question
'what if'
if they dump you.
if they don't fall in love with you.
if you just end up comparing to the last.
what if what if what if

love is.
a what if.

clean (start)

She closed the door and locked it. A bag in one hand, her keys in the other.

She knew that when she woke this morning, it was time.

The sun hit her face in a cleansing new way.

This was it.

The change.

The longing.



She wore bright purple that day. Matching her bruises to her clothes. It seemed fitting. She needed this. A reminder of why it was the day for a fresh beginning. A new start on life.



She got to the train station and looked at the people going to work. Bustling and busy. Drinking their morning Starbucks.



When she heard the horn, she smiled. Her life was about to change. This train to downtown. Downtown to another state. She was finally going to travel across the country, like she had always dreamed of in college. Free to do what she pleased, whenever she pleased. No questions of where were you, why weren't you home. No one to answer to. Finally, relief.

treatment

It's been black, grey, and white.

Black:

Beautiful words escape from you, as I listen with great intent. I am beyond happy. Love at first sight. Never thought it could be. You accepted me, for me, and never thought twice about it. Our love came so easily, never any challenges came our way. And then..

It was Grey.

They say death comes in threes. And you couldn't handle it. Who could? But you dropped me. You told me that you were done. You didn't miss me. Didn't want me. 'Everything I ever love, gets hurt.' So.. wait.. you love me. But you don't want to hurt me. So you decide to leave me high and dry. But never exactly go away. You text when you want me. You text to ask me to hang out but I could never stay. I always had to leave.. Then I saw why. She came from the past back into the present. I knew her, but you knew her better. Much better than I ever could have imagined (or wanted). So then, I knew at that moment, when I laid eyes on you two..

It had become White.

I knew it was over. I had to move on. It was not possible any longer. I deserved better. I didn't need to be treated this way anymore.

Black, Grey, and White.

Three different shades.
Three different areas you put me in.

The last, most liberating. The last, is when I decided to treat myself with more respect.
And that's the one that matters most.

Wait.

Wait.



Don't.



Too Late.





My body never listens. You'd think that my brain and body were unison with each other, but it always seems that they are working against each other, to control me. My brain usually wins. But today my body is giving it's best.



It really all begins when I start to think too much. I think about my love life, my friends, my family, and then the worry takes over. My head starts to hurt. Then, my hands start to feel antsy. Like they need to be shaken out.. but moving them won't help. They're restless, like my brain.
Then my heart starts to hurt. It feels like someone jabbed me in the heart with a knife. It's constricted from air.. It's pumping blood too fast and I am getting palpitations.
My brain keeps thinking, 'Stop. Stop. Wait. Just breathe, dammit. Just breathe.'

But again, my body refuses to be controlled. I begin to breathe harshly. As if I had been crying for hours and just can't catch my breath.. I just want to stop.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.

But when you are having a panic attack, your body doesn't wait. You're brain doesn't listen. You are just stuck dealing with the aftermath.

Faith

When she came into the room, she realized she was in hell.

Her mother was sitting in the middle of it. Broken.


Memory after memory was spewed all over the floor for both mother and daughter to see. Pictures of childhood. Pictures of high school. Grade School. Halloween. Christmas. Pictures of a baby girl naked in a bath tub. Pictures of the mother looking into her baby's eyes adoringly.


That life was gone. They both knew it.

She looked at her mother, with tears in her eyes, 'I'm sorry, Mom.'


Silence. The silent treatment was so common in this household.


'I learned my lesson, I won't do it again. I can't let myself do it again.'


Silencesilencesilencesilencesilencesilencesilencesilencesilence [neverending]


'Goddammit, Mom! I wish you could just hear me. I'm so so sorry. I just want to turn back time,' The daughter screamed.


Her mom went into the closet, grabbed some posterboard, and laid it next to the pictures. Never hearing her daughter. Never realizing she was standing next to her. Longing to be comforted. To be comforting. The mother went about her business creating posterboards of memories.


'This is probably the worst part of the funeral process...what pictures to place. Having to go through photographs when all you want to do is forget,' the mom thought, as she placed a prom picture in the middle.


Karen, mother of three, two boys and one girl. The girl, April, was the wild child, always getting into trouble. Karen gave up on April, decided to let her do what she wanted. She always said to herself, 'Abe will learn her lesson one day.' But this was not what Karen had in mind.


She had lost faith in her daughter, and on the day when April did not come home, Karen lost everything.

dangerous

I walk in with a chill down my back, even in the heat of the summer. People were everywhere, but I did not see any of them.

I walk up and see Joe. He began, 'What..'
I cut him off. 'The usual. And I do not want to hear it.'
He stared at me for a while, as I averted his eyes. I stared into the distance feeling his eyes all over my face. Trying to get a read on me. But he just sighed, 'Whatever you say, Kate.'

I sit down. And he puts the glass in front of me.
I look at it.
I knew this was dangerous.
I had been sober for exactly 6 months.
It was the longest 6 months of my life. And Joe knew exactly what I had been through. Part of me was kind of pissed that he let me through the door, but this was not his game to play. And he knew damn well of that too.

Vodka tonic.
My elixir.
Could I really let myself do this?

I close my eyes and imagine what would happen after this one drink:

I'd have one. Then another. Then another. And by the sixth, I would go back to my ex ask him to take me back. That I was wrong for leaving him, that I needed him as much as he needed me. And I'd stay with him for months, drinking as heavily as I had when I wasn't with him. He'd kick me out, probably. I'd run to my family who would stick to their, 'We told you we were done,' phrase. And I'd be back in rehab, going through withdrawals and therapy again.

I sighed. I took the glass and put it to my lips. I put it back down. I bring it back up.

Joe began walking over to me from the end of the bar, and I gave him a flash of the look my mother always called the 'Devil's Eyes'. He turned back around, knowing he was unwanted.

At that point, I looked at the bar. All the liquor, staring at me. Laughing at me. And I stare at myself in the mirror.This was too dangerous. And just not worth it.

I begin to leave and I hear Joe yell, 'Way to go Kate.'
I just say, 'Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure I'll be back again one day..'

And that was true.. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.
But one day.. there's a big chance I will play this game again..
And lose.