dangerous

I walk in with a chill down my back, even in the heat of the summer. People were everywhere, but I did not see any of them.

I walk up and see Joe. He began, 'What..'
I cut him off. 'The usual. And I do not want to hear it.'
He stared at me for a while, as I averted his eyes. I stared into the distance feeling his eyes all over my face. Trying to get a read on me. But he just sighed, 'Whatever you say, Kate.'

I sit down. And he puts the glass in front of me.
I look at it.
I knew this was dangerous.
I had been sober for exactly 6 months.
It was the longest 6 months of my life. And Joe knew exactly what I had been through. Part of me was kind of pissed that he let me through the door, but this was not his game to play. And he knew damn well of that too.

Vodka tonic.
My elixir.
Could I really let myself do this?

I close my eyes and imagine what would happen after this one drink:

I'd have one. Then another. Then another. And by the sixth, I would go back to my ex ask him to take me back. That I was wrong for leaving him, that I needed him as much as he needed me. And I'd stay with him for months, drinking as heavily as I had when I wasn't with him. He'd kick me out, probably. I'd run to my family who would stick to their, 'We told you we were done,' phrase. And I'd be back in rehab, going through withdrawals and therapy again.

I sighed. I took the glass and put it to my lips. I put it back down. I bring it back up.

Joe began walking over to me from the end of the bar, and I gave him a flash of the look my mother always called the 'Devil's Eyes'. He turned back around, knowing he was unwanted.

At that point, I looked at the bar. All the liquor, staring at me. Laughing at me. And I stare at myself in the mirror.This was too dangerous. And just not worth it.

I begin to leave and I hear Joe yell, 'Way to go Kate.'
I just say, 'Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure I'll be back again one day..'

And that was true.. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.
But one day.. there's a big chance I will play this game again..
And lose.