love

it's dong and ding.
love.
heartbreaking.
terrifying.
unifying.
passionate.
creative.
love is.
and always will be.

but what happens when it's disappears.
you have it in a moment and then it's gone.
do you never go back?
do you always wonder 'what if'
what if
what if
.....what if

and when you move on.
are you willing to share yourself again.
will you always be terrified.
will you always question
'what if'
if they dump you.
if they don't fall in love with you.
if you just end up comparing to the last.
what if what if what if

love is.
a what if.

clean (start)

She closed the door and locked it. A bag in one hand, her keys in the other.

She knew that when she woke this morning, it was time.

The sun hit her face in a cleansing new way.

This was it.

The change.

The longing.



She wore bright purple that day. Matching her bruises to her clothes. It seemed fitting. She needed this. A reminder of why it was the day for a fresh beginning. A new start on life.



She got to the train station and looked at the people going to work. Bustling and busy. Drinking their morning Starbucks.



When she heard the horn, she smiled. Her life was about to change. This train to downtown. Downtown to another state. She was finally going to travel across the country, like she had always dreamed of in college. Free to do what she pleased, whenever she pleased. No questions of where were you, why weren't you home. No one to answer to. Finally, relief.

treatment

It's been black, grey, and white.

Black:

Beautiful words escape from you, as I listen with great intent. I am beyond happy. Love at first sight. Never thought it could be. You accepted me, for me, and never thought twice about it. Our love came so easily, never any challenges came our way. And then..

It was Grey.

They say death comes in threes. And you couldn't handle it. Who could? But you dropped me. You told me that you were done. You didn't miss me. Didn't want me. 'Everything I ever love, gets hurt.' So.. wait.. you love me. But you don't want to hurt me. So you decide to leave me high and dry. But never exactly go away. You text when you want me. You text to ask me to hang out but I could never stay. I always had to leave.. Then I saw why. She came from the past back into the present. I knew her, but you knew her better. Much better than I ever could have imagined (or wanted). So then, I knew at that moment, when I laid eyes on you two..

It had become White.

I knew it was over. I had to move on. It was not possible any longer. I deserved better. I didn't need to be treated this way anymore.

Black, Grey, and White.

Three different shades.
Three different areas you put me in.

The last, most liberating. The last, is when I decided to treat myself with more respect.
And that's the one that matters most.

Wait.

Wait.



Don't.



Too Late.





My body never listens. You'd think that my brain and body were unison with each other, but it always seems that they are working against each other, to control me. My brain usually wins. But today my body is giving it's best.



It really all begins when I start to think too much. I think about my love life, my friends, my family, and then the worry takes over. My head starts to hurt. Then, my hands start to feel antsy. Like they need to be shaken out.. but moving them won't help. They're restless, like my brain.
Then my heart starts to hurt. It feels like someone jabbed me in the heart with a knife. It's constricted from air.. It's pumping blood too fast and I am getting palpitations.
My brain keeps thinking, 'Stop. Stop. Wait. Just breathe, dammit. Just breathe.'

But again, my body refuses to be controlled. I begin to breathe harshly. As if I had been crying for hours and just can't catch my breath.. I just want to stop.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.

But when you are having a panic attack, your body doesn't wait. You're brain doesn't listen. You are just stuck dealing with the aftermath.